The Church Boy Who Never Grew Up
Over the years I have had the privilege of being in a local assembly that is brimming over with godly leadership. I have been able to observe our longtime shepherds labor and pray to see a culture of strong leadership flourish. Seeing the strength, protection, and joy that comes when godly men lead at home and in the church has only increased by desire to see biblical masculinity galvanized in more men.
This last year I was preaching through Psalms 127–128, the twin psalms written to the nation of Israel about biblical masculinity. These psalms teach God’s people what type of man in his home truly knows the blessing of God. During that study, despite all the fruit I have witnessed in our assembly, I was still grieved at how often chronological men remain boyish in their habits and convictions.
As a result of that burden, I spent one afternoon writing out all the ways over the years I have observed church boys not grow up to become biblically masculine men. Below is an essay that came from that time of reflection. I pray it encourages and challenges your heart, as it does mine, to be the leaders God has called us men to be.
He wakes up each morning later than he planned because of his lack of discipline the night before. He opens his eyes unprepared for the day and immediately hits snooze. He looks at the responsibilities and leadership opportunities that each day could bring as obstacles to his happiness rather than opportunity to grow as a man of God. He spends his days mostly avoiding risk, fearful at the thought of having to make a leadership decision that could expose his weaknesses.
Discouragement and pride are his necklaces. An overpowering fear of man and unchecked sexual lust remind him he doesn’t battle his sin like he should. Where he should be courageous he shrinks back in order to protect his image. He thrives on the path of least resistance. His sexual cravings rage, and, rather than fighting the war within, his selfish desires eclipse any recent pledge to overcome those lusts.
He is known for doing the bare minimum, constantly hitting the status quo, but never pushing forward to excellence. When others are watching, he can put on a show, but when only the Lord sees, apathy, inactivity, and love for comfort are his idols of choice. He lives for his hobbies and for his down time. He can’t wait to come out from under pressure. He works for the weekend rather than God. Stressful days that call for greater faith in God and growth as man become for him days he nurtures contempt for God’s unfolding providence.
He thinks with no urgency. He ignores the long-term impact of his current habits. Nothing awakens him to his need for preparation and conviction-building for future battles. He figures he will cram when he needs to be spiritually minded, but sees little need to get too intense just yet. His excuse is, “God is sovereign”—a theological smokescreen to veil his sluggard heart. He is lazy on every front except in crafting excuses.
Free time is dedicated to his amusements: sleep, video games, social media, TV, shallow friends, YouTube, and hobbies. Good books, deep sermons, robust discipleship, and hours in the Word get only honorable mention for him. His time with mentors at church is only a box to be checked. Sure, he tolerates counsel from godly men, endures strong preaching, puts on veneer of godliness, but ignores putting off indwelling sin. Repentance to him is a term he uses, but not a habit he practices. His hypocrisy grows.
When sin brings consequences—especially when it threatens his precious reputation—he sprints for a season. But his zeal fades as his consequences become less intense. His motivations for holiness are earthly and self-absorbed. He lifts his sword to battle, but once the fight proves difficult, he lowers it and then swings the flag of self-pity. When worldliness shows up in his favorite hobbies, he ignores the warnings of his conscience. He craves to be able to sin like the world, but since too much worldliness would bring exposure, he finds subtle ways to feast on worldly morsels under the disguise of “Christian liberties.”
His self-orientation plagues his life in the local church. He attends regularly, but he does not love the bride of Christ. When questioned about his lackluster approach to church life he replies with, “I am committed, but just real busy in this season.” This only compounds his guilt as he adds lying and excuse making to his current neglect. Self-sacrifice is eclipsed by selfish ambition. He takes no initiative. He’ll serve in the body if you push him but often with a grumbling spirit. And even when smiling on the outside during service opportunities, he is usually standing up within. Critical thinking about truth is not his thing. He has conditioned his mind to think on the lowest spiritual frequencies in order to spare himself the pain of being honest before God. People around him who strive to mortify their lusts just irritate him. Because he won’t learn from the Word, God has to put in a bit and bridle to teach him by experience.
His friendships consist of sparring about unimportant things and brief moments of shallow biblical generalities to relieve his guilt-ridden conscience. His treats people as resources to consume rather that precious souls he can serve. He gravitates towards relationships that cost him little and hovers around people who don’t meddle in his character weaknesses. Sure, he is as chatty as a soccer mom with her latte when discussing his favorite hobbies, his job, or his political views, but the moment deep discussion about Christ and His Word is the topic, he turns his face on screen saver mode, smiles and nodes.
Nobody trusts him to stand on God’s Word alone or to suffer for a conviction. He has no stomach to fight for Christ because his loyalty is not to Christ—it is to himself. He will stand for truth occasionally, but only when he decides the cost is not too great. Convictions that would cost him are too much for his lust for man’s approval to endure.
He wastes his late teens and 20s and is a husband and father now. He wants the benefits of marriage, but without the cost. His wife suffers under his neglect. She married a boy in a man’s body. She tries to prod him, but he has nurtured self-love for too long to listen to her burdened pleas. He is full of excuses of why he can’t lead like way she wants him to. He thickens more smokescreens to hide his heart of hypocrisy. She wonders where they guy went who seemed to be striving for holiness while they were dating, but now rarely talks with her about the truth. His mask is now off at home, though this does not stop his quest to protect his reputation in church.
She eventually gives up, self-feeds from the Word, struggles, and is often discouraged. The kids begin to grow up under the influence of a boy-dad. He needs his down time, his man cave, and his hobbies. He salves his conscience by providing financially and claims that he is “around more than most dads.” He strives to become their friend but neglects their soul. He never sits down to prepare them for the battles ahead. Frankly, he rarely helps them work through heart issues in the moment. They are constantly caught off guard when facing temptation because of his neglect. His boy tendencies remain.
By the time the kids hit their teen years, his outbursts of anger and neglect of a godly example has cost him his credibility. His hypocrisy is acute, unmistakable, and undeniable. In his anger, he hammers his kids to strive in areas he neglects, driving their exasperation to full strength. He is too proud to seek their forgiveness in the moments they need to see humility. When they get in the way of his desires, he shouts them down rather than shepherd them. They conform and smile for a while but rebel inside. They grow up and leave him home resenting Christianity because their dad demanded they live what he would not. His relationship with his children is strained all their adult years. If he represents real Christianity, they want nothing to do with it.
On his deathbed—if he is even in Christ—he reflects with grief and sorrow on his life poorly spent. As he looks with longing eyes at a wife he never shepherded and upon kids who resented him, his final words are, “Oh, how I hated instruction and spurned reproof! I am ashamed before all. Forgive me!” So ends the tragic biography of the church boy who never grew up to be a biblically masculine man.
Let the reader be warned. In response, may we labor to become the type of man described in Psalms 127 and 128.