Recognizing Emotional Abuse in the Church, Part Two
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By: Tim St. John
Editor’s Note: This two-week mini-series on the Grace and Truth Blog addresses the issue of emotional abuse. In this fifth article, Timothy St. John shares about how churches can recognize emotional abuse within families. In other contributions to the series, Howard Eyrich provides a definition and counseling agenda for emotional abuse, Nate Brooks and Ann Maree Goudzwaard explain that emotional abuse is the abuse of the person and explore the physical impact of emotional abuse, and Shannon McCoy addresses overcoming emotional wounds from one’s mother.
This two-part article focuses specifically on recognizing emotional abuse and its impact in the church. In Part One, we explored the selfish kingdom-building dynamic at the heart of all abuse and looked at the aspects of intention, behavior, and outcome in discerning emotional abuse.
The Call to Help the Oppressed
Psalm 103:6 declares, “The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed.” And Psalm 9:9 offers comfort, saying, “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.” If the church is going to reflect the heart of God described in those verses, we must first be able to locate oppressed people who are in our church body. If they are in danger, they will likely not self-identify as victims or ask for help. Sadly, they might not even realize that they are in an oppressive relationship because they have been trained to justify the abusive actions of their spouse and blame themselves when there is an incident in the home. If you are close to someone suffering abuse, know that you are in a good position to be used by God to care for them.
All sin has consequences, and the consequences of emotional abuse cannot be hidden for long if we know how to look. While you might not be able to see what happens in the privacy of someone’s home, you can look for several red flags. Here are a few signs to consider and some questions to ask that could help bring this sin to the light. As you examine these different signs, notice that the common bond between them is that they are subtle indicators of someone exerting control over someone else.
Sign #1 – Fear of Man
Imagine you are meeting with a friend and sharing prayer requests. Your friend tells you that she has been struggling with fear of man, so you ask more about it. She says, “I just care too much about my husband’s approval. I want him to appreciate the food I make, the work I do, and the ways I serve the kids. I know part of the problem is I’m not doing enough to serve our family, but I just can’t help but feel like I’m disappointing him. I know the root problem is my own pride that wants recognition, but please pray that I will live to please God more than my husband.”
A helpful question you might ask here to further explore the relational dynamic is, “How does your husband express his disapproval?”
Sign #2 – Anger
Your friend tells you that she has been struggling with anger in her marriage. She says, “I think I’m just tired of always being wrong and my husband always being right. He always has a Bible verse and logical reason for his point of view, and I just can’t ever match that. Maybe I’m just jealous. He’s a really mature Christian, and it’s pretty obvious that I have a long way to go.”
Some key questions to ask could include, “Your husband is a sinner too. What does it look like for him to confess sin and be vulnerable about his weaknesses? How does he value your voice as his wife and sister in Christ? What does it look like when you disagree with your husband?”
Sign #3 – Shame
Your friend asks you to pray that she would have a more gentle and quiet spirit in the home. From what you’ve observed, she is already humble in conversations with others, so you ask her why she feels this way. She says, “My husband tells me I ask too many questions and that when I ask, my questions just don’t make any sense. He’s so patient to endure and so loving to call me out. I wish I could ask questions like him, but it always comes out wrong. I’m really trying to understand my weaknesses and not express myself too much. It is hard though, because there are so many things I’m trying to understand, and I don’t know how to understand if I don’t ask questions.”
Again, some questions you could ask here are, “Has anyone else ever said that your questions don’t make sense? Why do you think it is that only your husband struggles with you asking questions and expressing yourself? What else does he do to make it uncomfortable for you to express yourself?”
Whether this sin is discovered through noticing a victim’s fear, anger, shame, or other personal struggle, it is vital for us to help for the sake of the individual and for the glory of Christ in their life. The selfish kingdom of emotional abuse stands in stark contrast to the joy and delight of someone who can freely live for Christ’s Kingdom (Matt. 13:44; John 10:10).
Once you suspect that there is oppression occurring in someone’s life and can begin to see specific patterns of behavior that seek to control and isolate, it’s vital to get more information. While physically harmful actions might be more obvious expressions of domestic violence, we must ask questions to see if other sinful actions are part of a pattern of maintaining control over another person.
In her book Is It Abuse? Darby Strickland gives questions to ask about some of the actions of a husband:
- Was this a punishment? If so, for what?
- How often does this occur?
- For how long?
- Does it accomplish something for the husband?
- What is its effect on the wife?
- How does it change the wife’s future behavior?
- Can the wife express how this is hurting her without receiving further punishment?
- Who repairs the relationship after this happens, and why?
- Does the husband display true repentance and recognition that this behavior is wrong?❲1❳
These questions help us go deeper to explore the husband’s motivation. They provide a scale to measure the intensity of abusive patterns, and they reveal the outcomes of these actions. For more help recognizing patterns of punishing behaviors where the oppressor establishes power over their victim, see this abuse inventory. Since we are looking for patterns, it’s vital not only to identify sinful actions but also to ask questions that reveal frequency (how often does it happen?), duration (how long does it last?), and intensity (how bad does it get?). After talking with the abused friend, you should have a video in your mind of what an abusive moment looks like (e.g., where the husband is standing relative to his wife, what he is doing with his hands, etc.).
Proverbs 31:8-9 calls us to open our mouths to advocate for the rights of those who are destitute and defend the rights of the poor and needy. May all of us do this important work, go deeper in our relationships, and ask more questions when we see these signs. The more we work to bring this sin to the light, the more our churches will reflect our Savior’s heart and become refuges for those who are oppressed.
Additional Resources
Questions for Reflection
- What teaching and conversations about abuse has your church been able to have to build awareness of this issue?
- What accountability is given to those in authority to see if they are using their leadership to point to Christ rather than away from His Kingdom?
❲1❳ Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse?: A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2020), 26.