Recognizing Emotional Abuse in the Church, Part One
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By: Tim St. John
Editor’s Note: This two-week mini-series on the Grace and Truth Blog addresses the issue of emotional abuse. In this fourth article, Timothy St. John shares about how churches can recognize emotional abuse within families. In other contributions to the series, Howard Eyrich provides a definition and counseling agenda for emotional abuse, Nate Brooks and Ann Maree Goudzwaard explain that emotional abuse is the abuse of the person and explore the physical impact of emotional abuse, and Shannon McCoy addresses overcoming emotional wounds from one’s mother.
The pictures that might first come to mind when we hear the words “domestic violence” or “abuse” are of physical fights or violence, but the reality is that discovering the presence of abuse in someone’s life is often far more subtle and insidious. At the core of abuse is seeking first the kingdom of the abuser. This happens through a series of relational patterns. The victim’s thoughts about self, relationships, situations, and even their thoughts about God may begin to revolve around the abuser as the guiding light, the source of truth, and the center of everything. Therefore, when we advocate for victims of abuse, we are not just seeking their freedom from oppression, but we are fighting for the glory of Christ’s Kingdom as we help those who were captive to seek first His Kingdom once again.
This article will focus specifically on recognizing emotional abuse and its impact in the church. But whatever additional words we use to further specify abuse (e.g., emotional, financial, spiritual, physical, sexual), this selfish kingdom-building dynamic is at the heart of all abuse and must be understood, investigated, and addressed by churches and faithful counselors. All abusers use their power in a relationship to usurp the Kingdom of God. Through a series of punishing behaviors, they take those under their authority captive and manipulate them for their own selfish purposes. An example of this seen in Scripture is the scribes and Pharisees, who established a culture where they could easily use their power over people to make themselves great, even though it meant controlling, harming, and misleading those who were under their authority (Luke 20:45-47; Mark 12:38-40; Matt. 23:4-36).
To specifically address the selfish kingdom-building dynamic present in emotional abuse, our church’s counseling ministry began defining emotional abuse as “a pattern of using displays of emotion to maintain power over others, where the victim regularly feels unclean, exposed, rejected, helpless, and dependent on their abuser rather than God.”
We use the word pattern because establishing power over another person rarely happens through a one-time event. There could be an abusive action that is more intense (e.g., “he only pushed me down the stairs that one time”), but for those larger expressions of abuse to occur, there are likely other patterns at work. And once those larger displays of abuse occur, very little needs to be done to instill fear and control someone. After a major incident, an abuser can likely instill fear and maintain control with just a look at their victim or a sigh in their presence.
Other emotionally abusive tactics could involve calling names, saying demeaning things, criticizing frequently, constantly pointing out failures to cook or clean, making fun of a shortcoming, insulting family and friends, using their voice or body language to intimidate, threatening suicide, refusing to leave someone alone, sulking angrily, refusing to talk for days, or even acting like a victim to increase the partner’s guilt. We call these actions “punishing behaviors” or “shaming tactics” because they are designed to make the victim feel guilt for displeasing or upsetting their partner, doubt and confusion over their own abilities from being questioned or criticized so regularly, and depression over the pain of constant failure and the hopeless attempts at improving the situation.
For example, if a victim is constantly blamed when things at home “go wrong” according to the abuser’s preferences and rules, then the victim will constantly doubt themselves and depend on their abuser to tell them how to process their own actions in the home (e.g., Is this room clean enough? Is this food tasty enough? Did I remember to do everything my husband asked me to do? Is the question I want to ask a bad question? Why can’t I just be more like my husband?).
Someone who lives under the rule of such a selfish kingdom is entirely dependent on the abuser to tell them what is right and wrong, what is real, and how to think and feel. And the longer a victim is held hostage in these patterns, it puts the abuser in a greater position of power as the victim becomes weaker and more dependent on them.
You might be thinking, “I’ve done some of these things. Am I an abuser?” But an important question to ask yourself is, “what did you do afterward?” If you or I get angry and yell at our partner or kids, what comes after that? In a non-abusive relationship, we would ask for forgiveness, humble ourselves, repent, tell our accountability partners, ask for prayer, and invite light into our darkness so that those we hurt are not isolated in our sin. It doesn’t mean it never happens again, but we respond to our sin with humility and repentance (Prov. 28:13). In an emotionally abusive relationship, you don’t repent. Yelling is part of a larger pattern to isolate and control another person. You don’t ask for forgiveness, humble yourself, invite accountability, or try to change. In fact, usually, the victim would be asking you for forgiveness for displeasing you in some way.
To discern emotional abuse, it’s helpful to look at three aspects of this sin: Intention, Behavior, and Outcome. This is where Scripture really helps bring light into darkness and can provide guidance in uncovering any sin that exists in a relationship.
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Intention: What does God’s Word say about the desires of my heart in this relationship (Luke 6:45; James 4:1-3)? What did I want that I wasn’t getting? (e.g., to get respect, to be understood). What was I afraid of losing? (e.g., control of a situation). Was my desire selfish or selfless, prideful or humble? The Spirit of God working through Scripture helps reveal the hidden intentions of our hearts (Heb. 4:12).
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Behavior: Did I bear good fruit? Were my actions good fruits that demonstrate the Spirit’s work? Do passages like James 3:17, Galatians 5:22, or 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 describe my conduct? Were my actions peaceable, gentle, full of mercy, open to reason, patient, kind, self-controlled, not insisting on my own way, etc.?
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Outcome: Are others flourishing and growing as I use my power and influence to serve them? Scripture calls us to examine the fruit of leadership.
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Psalm 128:2-4 – Is my family fruitfully growing in the grace and knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ?
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Ephesians 6:4 – Are my children provoked to anger (or other negative emotions like anxiety or depression) because of my actions?
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1 Timothy 3:4-5 – Does the fruit of my leadership qualify me or exclude me from leading in the church?
We look at intentions, behavior, and outcomes when investigating abuse, knowing that fruit doesn’t lie. But sadly, it can be difficult to see the negative impact of abuse unless you’ve known someone for a long time. Often, it takes a friend who has known the victim for a long time to perceive negative changes in their life (e.g., anxious, withdrawn, fearful, depressed). This is why it is vital for church families to be closely acquainted with each other. We must be in each other’s lives to notice changes and ask questions. In Part Two, we will continue to look at how churches can discern and handle emotional abuse within families of their congregants.
Question for Reflection
What might emotional abuse look like in families within your church?