Lamenting Your Church Hurt
Editor’s Note: This week’s mini-series on the Grace and Truth Blog addresses the topic of church hurt. In today’s article, Darby Strickland shares how she and her counselees have walked through the pain, rejection, and accusations of fellow believers in ways that have led them closer to Christ. In other contributions to the series, Anna Mondal defines “church hurt” and provides words of comfort, counsel, and next steps for healing, Nate Brooks discusses several key themes to stress with those whose pain isn’t going away, and Greg Gifford considers re-engaging in church after experiencing church hurt.
Every time we interact with other fallen people, we run the risk of being hurt by them. It’s a reality that none of us can escape. But when we are hurt by other believers from our church, we are often surprised and disoriented by the pain inflicted. We simply don’t expect to be hurt by members of our spiritual household in such deeply damaging ways. But it happens. In fact, this type of pain is so prevalent that a term is coined for it: church hurt. This term can encompass a wide range of wounds, from church conflicts to gossip, to institutional mistreatment, and even to the extremes of spiritual abuse.
Sometimes the way other believers hurt us affects our relationship with the Lord. I am no stranger to this type of pain; through it, I have learned the importance of staying connected to God when His people are hurtful. So much hurt can happen in our church families, and it will take time to make sense of it. But understanding what was wrong with what happened is only one part of processing. What has been most helpful to me in my journey through church hurt is going one step further—I needed to not only think about what happened but also how I responded to it. When we’ve experienced church hurt, we need to sort through the many thoughts and emotions that have been stirred up by it.
What happened to you is only part of the story. Recognizing and addressing the impact upon you is another. When other believers hurt us, it is easy to let our pain and confusion rise within us in ways that strain our relationship with the Lord. I want to share with you how my counselees and I have walked through the pain, rejection, and accusations of fellow believers in ways that have actually led us closer to Him.
What I share with you has not been an easy journey for me, but it is worth making. Pain is often an indicator that we need to process something significant. It is good to slow down and take inventory of what happened and why it hurts so badly. Hence, as you read through my reflections, resist reading them as a list of things to think or believe that will simply reduce your pain. I would much rather you approach my thoughts as something to pray through and ponder, a guide for ways in which you can ask the Lord to be with you in this profound time of sorrow. I have seen Him faithfully meet His other wounded children and me with tenderness, and my primary hope for this blog post is that it will lead you to share your hurt with Him and see His heart for you in your suffering.
Has God Rejected Me Too?
One crucial reality to acknowledge is that the pain of church hurt might feel like it has been inflicted by God Himself. There are several reasons for this. The first is that believers often use Bible passages or biblical language in conflict with you or in their rejection of you. It can be hard to determine if the accusations are something God would also say of you. The second is that we ascribe a more significant influence to other believers, particularly those with authority or position in the church. We instinctively believe that people who disciple or shepherd us are always correct and wise. Sometimes leaders lack wisdom, and other times they speak out of manipulation or cruelty. When leaders sin against us, we can be disoriented and wrongly attribute their words and attitudes to the Lord. We think, “They must be right. God must be displeased with me.” Finally, there is a vulnerability to being part of a church family. It is a place where we are called to love and sacrifice for one another. When we are sinned against by a collection of people representing the church, we can confuse it with God casting us out of His family. The group of people He placed around you for your growth and protection has now turned against you. You have become an outcast and are left to wonder why the Lord is letting this happen to you. How can you help but wonder if He, too, is rejecting you?
If we think God joins in the indictments and actions of those who hurt us, where can we turn for comfort? Sometimes even reading His Word can be painful. It is vital to separate man’s flawed actions and allegations from how the Lord loves and relates to His people. Depending on the depth of the hurt, this can be a monumental task, but it is worth sorting through the rubble.
Reflect: Who has hurt you? What are the words, judgments, or accusations used by those who harmed you? Which of these allegations have you experienced as coming from the Lord Himself?
Remember: God deals gently with His people. He is not an accuser. Satan is. God loves His children and patiently pursues their hearts. He sent His Son to die to remove our guilt and restore our relationship with Him. God does not create distance but moves toward His precious children. In fact, there is nothing that can separate us from His love (Rom. 8:31-39). Ask the Lord to help you separate the way the Lord treats you from the way His flawed and broken people have.
Does God Know What This Is Like?
In the midst of church hurt, I have been greatly comforted by knowing that Jesus not only understands what I’m going through, He also cares about it and is sympathetic toward me because He too has suffered. Jesus was rejected, mocked, and betrayed. He knows what it is like to have those He loved turn from Him (for just two examples, consider Peter and Judas). Our pain matters to Him. When one of my children is hurt, I am moved to swoop in and offer tender care and comfort. How much greater is God’s love for His children? We can confidently bring our suffering and weaknesses to Him and expect to receive the mercy and help of one who knows what it is like (Heb. 4:15-16).
Reflect: Jesus knows what it is like to be mistreated by the people closest to Him. Is that a comfort to you? Might that make it easier for you to talk openly to Him about your hurt?
Remember: God sees what happened and knows you are in pain. He knows the effects that the betrayals are having upon you. He is moved by your hurt. The Lord draws near to you when you might be tempted to shrink back from Him, as “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” (Ps. 34:18).
What Am I Feeling?
When I have been hurt by others, especially by fellow believers, it helps me to speak to the Lord about my emotional response to what has happened. It is far too easy for me to find myself rehearsing what happened and getting lost in a loop of hurts. I have often felt stuck in my own mind, alone, mulling over the injustices. To break that cycle, I needed to examine my heart and ask the Lord to help me see why those things, in particular, have hurt me. Simply recounting what occurred (though necessary) will not lift you out of your pain. I have found it essential to slow down and identify what I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. Once I begin to address the root hurts, I find myself on a path towards healing.
Consider the emotive language in the book of Jeremiah, which captures what it feels like to be in agony over poor treatment by God’s people. Jeremiah writes, “My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me” (Jer. 8:18); he begs, “Oh that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night” (Jer. 9:1). God does not want us to skip past the pain that church hurt inflicts. Scripture speaks specifically about our experiences, and so should we.
Reflect: Did what happened to you make you feel angry, fearful, shame-filled, or vulnerable? Are you left with feelings of sorrow, loss, disappointment, rejection, jealousy, or embarrassment? Ask the Lord to help you unearth how your heart is reacting. Once you start to identify the impact of the hurt on your heart, go beyond saying what occurred. Begin to talk about your church hurt from the vantage point of the pain it caused you. For example, “When I needed help and was ignored, I felt unworthy,” or “When they gossiped about me, I felt so much shame,” or “When my small group responded that way, I felt rejected.”
Remember: The Lord wants to hear about and eventually lift you from your pain. He wants to comfort you: “Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river…As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you” (Isa. 66:12-13). Seek out His care by looking for places in Scripture that address your particular pain (rejection, shame, abandonment), and see how the Lord speaks to your hurting heart.
Prayers born out of pain in the Bible are called “laments.” When my counselees or I identify our deeper hurts and speak to the Lord about them, we craft our own laments. We might not sound as eloquent as the psalmist, but we lead with our need and seek to become equally honest and dependent on the Lord. The language of lament is personal and painful, but it is also beautiful because we are leaning into the only one who perfectly loves us, where true and lasting comfort can be found.
Question for Reflection
How can you better utilize prayers of lament in counseling those who have experienced church hurt or other sufferings?