How Parenting Styles Affect the Way Adopted Children Perceive Themselves
Editor’s Note: In this second article of a five-part Adoption series on the BCC Grace and Truth blog, Andrew Rogers considers how parenting styles affect the way adopted children perceive themselves . In other contributions to the mini-series, Kyle Johnston offers three considerations for the family considering adoption, Steve Viars discusses blending a family of adopted and biological children, Charles Ware considers how a biblical view of race can help an adopted child accept the sovereign will of God in their life, and Russell Moore encourages prospective adoptive families to examine their motivations for and commitment to adoption.
Common among adopted children is a struggle with their identity. Their experience is unlike what is normal and natural. By design, the family consists of a husband and wife who procreate and give birth to children who together grow up and mature in relation to one another. Due to a disruption in the family for a variety of reasons, some children are displaced from their biological parents. This disruption provides an experience for the adopted child, whereby his perception of himself is easily distorted. His relationship with those who gave him birth is broken. Adopted children live with being displaced from their biological parents.
However, that is only part of their story. Adopted children also experience being chosen and embraced by parents who welcome them into their families as legitimate members with all the affection, rights, and privileges.
The Priceless Doctrine of Adoption
The doctrine of adoption, especially its emphasis on the filial union with the triune God, helps adoptive children perceive their experience rightly. The doctrine of adoption assures God’s children that they are legitimate and permanent children of God. Regrettably, the majority of adopted children do not have a theological understanding of their adoption experience. The majority of counsel available to adopted children and their parents is not from a biblical perspective. Most counsel relies heavily on empirical studies and people’s own explanation of their personal experiences. This leaves adopted children without sure resources to turn to help them think rightly about their adoption experience.
The doctrine of adoption lived out by their parents underscores the significance of being placed into a permanent and intimate filial relationship, accentuates the adopted child’s theological identity, and promotes the relational responsibilities consistent with being adopted into God’s family. What adopted children need to understand about their identity is much more than their experience or biology, but their identity as God declares it to be. Parents have the blessed opportunity to help shape their adopted child’s theological identity, assuring their children that their identity is founded upon what their Heavenly Father says about them.
Parents’ Conscious Awareness of Adoption
Adoption emphasizes a relationship
There are two major themes of adoption that parents must keep in mind. One, the doctrine of adoption emphasizes a relationship. J. I. Packer’s famous book, Knowing God, is most quoted by authors and preachers who teach on adoption. In that book, Packer invests one chapter on the doctrine of adoption, but his lack of quantity does not minimize the importance he places on the doctrine. Packer asserts that “If you want to judge how well a person understands Christianity, find out how much he makes of the thought of being God’s child, and having God as his Father.” ❲1❳
Our cry of “Abba! Father!” defines who we are and to what family we belong. Adoption is an expression of the calling of a Father to make children His own (Hosea 11:1). It is a proclamation that in Christ, we have been given a right—a choice birth (John 1:12-13). The paternity test is not a blood test, but a Spirit test (Rom. 8:14-17). Adoption is the meritless choosing of God to graciously and permanently bring us into His family with Him as our eternal Father (Gal. 4:4-7; Eph. 1:5-6).
Adoption comes with privileges
Two, the legitimate and permanent family relationship through adoption comes with privileges. As already mentioned, there is the tremendous privilege of our relationship with God that is based not on performance or birth, but on grace (Eph. 1:5). With that comes the privilege of a family. When we experience the gracious gift of adoption, we have the privilege of having other family members with which to share our lives. As adopted children of God, we are placed into His family, the church, with brothers and sisters bonded not by blood, but by the Holy Spirit. These relationships also come with the privilege of communication. Namely, because of our status as children of God, we have confidence to approach the throne room of God in prayer (Heb. 4:14-16). We have the privilege of communicating with our Heavenly Father.
Moreover, adoption gives us the privilege of discipline. The author of Hebrews makes a point to teach us that discipline is a gracious act of love and acceptance by God. It is a sign of belonging (Heb. 12:7). Discipline is a gracious means of producing Christlikeness in our lives. As adopted children, we have the privilege of imitation and conformity to the characteristics of our Father (Eph. 5:1). It’s one thing to be told we look like or act like our earthly father, but to be like our Heavenly Father … that is extraordinarily amazing! Lastly, we have the privilege of inheritance. Our permanent and family relationship to God as our Father comes with the inestimable gift of eternal riches, namely God Himself.
Practical Parenting Implications
Prepare for temptations
With a conscious awareness of the doctrine of adoption, let us consider a few practical implications for everyday parenting. One, be prepared to handle the temptations that come with adoption. An adopted child may wrestle with identity (“Who am I?”; “Where do I belong?”) throughout life and be tempted to respond to it sinfully. He may accuse his parents of playing favorites, challenge his parents’ authority, and seek to overly control his environment and the people around him. He may be too competitive, and the adopted child may use his unique identity in an “I am a victim” way to get his way or excuse sinful behavior. In response, show him kindness and patiently remind him of the permanent presence and provision of God (Deut. 31:8; Ps. 46:1; 1 Cor. 10:13; 2 Pet. 1:3), helping him live with a conscious awareness of the legitimate and permanent family relationship that adoption brings to him with God and with you along with all its privileges and responsibilities.
Address the past
Two, when needed, address the past of the child’s life. A child who throws a tantrum in public may do so because she suffered many years by the hands of adults and sees adults as harmful and threatening. It is better to address issues pertaining to her suffering before addressing her sin. Be a student of your child’s past experiences to know how their perceptions have shaped their responses. Show compassion. Address her thinking and desires first, then move on to the sinful patterns. Provide hope and remind her of God’s wisdom, goodness, sovereignty, and nearness. Help her understand the purpose of suffering; that her wise, good, and sovereign Father uses her suffering to conform her to His image and to glorify His name. Remember, conformity to Christlikeness is a wonderful privilege of our adoption. Instruct often on the beauty of the doctrine of adoption and how the very relationship between you, the parent, and your child portrays the elements of that doctrine along with all the rights and privileges.
Proclaim the legitimacy of the adoption relationship
Some mistakenly and ignorantly estimate adoption as illegitimate or as a second-rate means of having children. The doctrine of adoption shouts legitimacy and value! Every adoptive family must share the conviction of the priceless and legitimate nature of their adoption experience and communicate that regularly. Practically, this means that discernment must be used when determining how much of the adopted child’s background information is explained and talked about. The greatest gift you give to your child is the conviction that he is, without doubt, your child. Always find ways to communicate to your child, “you’re one of us.” Therefore, when you speak to your child about his background, assure him of the permanent and personal relationship with you as his parents. There is nothing second-rate about adoption, and our parenting must reflect that in thought and deed.
Explain the importance of identity
Speak to the child’s need for a savior. True identity is in Christ. Our world has placed an erroneous emphasis on one’s identity being rooted in his biology and ancestry. Am I saying that his biology and his ancestry have nothing to do with his identity? Absolutely not. However, because of its rejection of God, the world has nothing else by which to identify people other than temporal and finite constructs. As a person created in the image of God, the adopted child has a much greater authority by which to identify who he really is.
Contrary to common belief, the adopted child is not any healthier in life by knowing his ancestry, but by knowing his Creator and Savior. He can survive mysteries in his life, especially when he knows who he is as revealed by His Creator-God through His sufficient and authoritative Word. “To claim to be a son or daughter of God is a higher word than if a man could deduce his genealogy from an uninterrupted line of a thousand kings and princes. There is more honour, true honour, in it, and more profit too.” ❲2❳ In Christ, the adopted child is a forgiven and reconciled sinner (Acts 10:43; 2 Cor. 5:18-19; Eph. 1:7; Col. 2:13-14), is born again (John 3:3; 1 Pet. 1:3, 23; 1 John 5:1), has access to God (John 14:6; Eph. 2:18; 3:11-12; Heb. 10:19-22), is a member of God’s family (John 1:12; Gal. 3:26; Eph. 1:5; 1 John 3:1-2), and is permanently indwelled by the Holy Spirit and guaranteed entrance into Heaven (Rom. 11:29; Eph. 1:13; 4:30).
Furthermore, while we instruct the adoptive child on the privileges of adoption, we also instruct him on the responsibilities of his legitimate family relationship. In Christ, he grows up into the likeness of Christ (Phil. 2:12-13; 2 Pet. 1:3-11), he discovers, develops, and deploys his spiritual gifts (Rom. 12:6-8; 1 Pet. 4:10-11), he loves and cares for his family (John 15:17; Rom. 12:10), he depends on the truth, wisdom, authority, and sufficiency of God’s Word for life (Prov. 3:5-8; 16:20; Ps. 19:7-11; 84:12; Eph. 5:15-17), and he lives for Christ on purpose (Eccles. 12:13; Matt. 28:18-20; Luke 9:23; Gal. 2:20; Phil. 1:21).
This brief blog shows how the doctrine of adoption richly provides adoptive parents and adopted children with a robust and accurate view of their shared adoptive experience. It comes with priceless privileges and remarkable responsibilities. As parents of adopted children, you do well to help your child make sense of her adoption experience through the glorious truths of our adoption by God. Every adopted child has the experience of family disruption. They have been displaced from their birth family, and without a proper theology, they will more than likely have a distorted view of their experience. You have the incredible privilege of helping your adopted child to see her experience differently. You encourage, strengthen, and comfort her with the reality that she has been chosen and embraced by parents who welcome her into their family as a legitimate member with all the affection, rights, and privileges just as God adopts us and makes us His children and Him our Father.
Questions for Reflection
- How has living with the conscious awareness that you are adopted by God affected your perception of your circumstances? How should it affect your perception?
- If you are adopted, how has the doctrine of adoption shaped your understanding of your identity?
- If you are adoptive parents, in what ways have you lived out the doctrine of adoption to shape your child’s theological identity?
❲1❳ J. I. Packer, Knowing God, (InterVarsity Press, 1993), 226.
❲2❳ Joel R. Beeke, Heirs With Christ, (Reformation Heritage Books, 2008), 16.