Church Hurt: Beyond Disappointed, Beyond Loved, Part One

Editor’s Note: This week’s mini-series on the Grace and Truth Blog addresses the topic of church hurt. In our first article, Anna Mondal defines “church hurt” and provides words of comfort, counsel, and next steps for healing. In other contributions to the series, Darby Strickland shares how she and her counselees have walked through the pain, rejection, and accusations of fellow believers in ways that have led them closer to Christ, Nate Brooks discusses several key themes to stress with those whose pain isn’t going away, and Greg Gifford considers re-engaging in church after experiencing church hurt.

The church is like a hospital. It’s a place to be messy, to be mending. Ideally, hospitalization takes us at our most vulnerable, cocoons us with care, and equips us to walk outside the doors and into society as a whole and healthy person. But obviously, it’ll involve pain—nobody expects hospitalization to feel like an island spa-cation. Whether you’re getting a shot, physical therapy, or birthing a baby, the hospital hurts.

But what if your “hospital hurt” is something more malevolent—like medical malpractice? What if you leave more wounded and vulnerable than when you came in? Let’s imagine that a surgeon botched your appendectomy and nearly killed you, you were stuck on bed rest for three months and lost your job as a result. When the collective safety measures of the hospital fail to protect a patient, that’s no time to say, “No hospital is perfect.” That’s no time to ask, “Should I have gone to my surgeon privately to discuss the matter?”

Hospitals and churches aren’t equivalent, but both are full of vulnerable, healing people, and both are committed to a standard of care. Christians are called to follow the Great Physician. We belong to His Body, and if one part hurts, we all hurt (Rom. 12:15; 1 Cor. 12:26). But what happens when a community that proclaims to know Christ doesn’t follow His character?[1] When, in defiance to its Head, the Body self-harms?[2]

Word to the Wounded

In this blog, we’ll look at some definitions and distinctions of church hurt, which I hope will wrap helpful language around a confusing experience. But church hurt isn’t just an idea to pin down and explain. For some of you, it’s intense personal pain that still keeps you up at night. You may feel alone, apart, and unable to speak freely.[3] If that’s your experience, I’m so sorry.

Jesus knows what it’s like to be attacked in the holy places; He is well-acquainted with betrayal and loss (Luke 4:29; John 8:59; Isa. 53:3). You are not alone—Christ weeps with you. He says you’re a necessary, honored part of His Church, and He is actively working to nourish and heal you (1 Cor. 12:18-27; Eph. 4:16; 5:25-32).

What Is Church Hurt?

Before we can meaningfully counsel people hurt by the church, we need to get clear on what church hurt is and what it isn’t. Counselors risk adding insult to injury if we make assumptions and rush to conclusions (Prov. 15:28; James 1:19). Church hurt is complex enough to warrant lots of time listening, praying about, and self-educating.[4]

So, what exactly is church hurt? It’s fair to say it exists on a spectrum. And those who have lived through it will speak differently than those who theorize about it. For this context, “church” will refer to a local, visible community claiming to follow Christ, not the global, sometimes-hidden church (which includes the persecuted church and believers throughout history). “Hurt” will refer to the pain of abuse, misuse of power, and unrepentant sin which leadership refuses to address. We could broadly say that church hurt is the painful experience of being exploited in the context of a collective local church, where spiritual language or even Scripture may be leveraged to justify wrongdoing and protect offenders. .

To be clear, in this blog, church hurt is not:

• When a church leader (humbly) corrects or confronts a congregant
• When church members or leaders (charitably) disagree on minor issues
• (Warranted) church discipline
• When someone sins or messes up and is demonstratively repentant[5]

Sadly, the church hurt conversation can devolve into a shame-fest that shrinks “hurt” into “hurt feelings” and parses language rather than hearing the heart. Believers already wounded by their church get further wounded by our dismissal or belittling. Let’s consider that many people hurt by their church are not just disappointed. Rather, they’ve been deeply harmed. Some examples:

• A woman tells her small group leader that her husband raped her. The leader, a beloved and revered figure in the church, says spousal rape isn’t real. He counsels her to go home and “not deprive” her husband, citing 1 Corinthians 7:5. Unsure, she shares her dilemma with a few friends at church, who all side with the leader.
• A teen boy meets with a counselor on the church staff, eventually sharing that he’s sexually attracted to other guys. He loves Jesus and wants to follow Him, but the counselor doubts him, saying, “real Christians don’t have gay feelings.” Devastated, the boy shares with his parents, who are alarmed but don’t confront the counselor. They don’t want to be seen as divisive.
• A youth pastor pioneers an outreach to inner-city teens. He starts a group for their parents, some of whom struggle with alcohol and drug abuse. He receives a barrage of critical emails from people who condemn the program for being “extra-biblical” and are uncomfortable with “these people” being in their church. He’s eventually fired, with no explanation, by people he once considered friends.

This is a small taste of what it looks like when a church structure collectively hurts itself, rather than following its Head into unity and maturity (Eph. 2:21; 4:15; Col. 2:16-19). God’s Word is (mis)used to silence, manipulate, and harm. People are attacked and betrayed by the very ones they once loved and worshipped with (Ps. 35; 55).

Systematic Self-Harm

To love God is to love His people (1 John 4:20-21). In a healthy church, Christ’s love fuels us to disagree charitably, resolve misunderstandings, reconcile relationships, learn from conflict, and grow into health and wholeness together. There is pain involved, of course—but it’s the pain that heals, the sort of suffering that can refine us.

But not all churches function healthily. Scripture teaches that betrayers can occupy spots of spiritual prominence and that churches can abandon their first Love (Rev. 2:1-7; Luke 22:3-6). Harmful churches are often unhealthy structures with disordered loves. The influencers might love prominence, applause, or affluence (3 John 9-11; John 12:42-43; 1 John 2:15-16; Luke 16:13; Acts 4:36-5:4). They might be articulate, charming, and intelligent. But in practice, they glorify an image more than they exalt God.

Church bodies will inevitably begin to self-destruct if they follow anything or anyone but Christ the Head. They may temporarily thrive as a system, but only because they quash dissent and build on the backs of the vulnerable. This is the way of Godless power – it looks impressive on the outside, but behind closed doors, it dominates and demeans. Jesus speaks strong warnings to those who put heavy weights on the backs of others, who block the vulnerable from seeing Jesus (Matt. 19:14; 23; 13:36-43; Luke 17:1-2).

What does a corrupt structure look like, functionally? What practices might reflect an unsafe, ungodly culture? Dr. Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys, who have extensively studied spiritual abuse, write that abusive church systems tend to prize conformity to the church culture (not necessarily to Christ): this might look like “censorship of decision-making, requirements for secrecy and silence…control through the use of sacred texts or teaching,” etc. [6] A pastor might insist that his congregants get his approval before making any major life choices, like moving to another state or changing jobs. A leader may ask invasive questions about a woman’s sex life with her husband, then tell her to keep the conversation “just between us.” Or, a church’s teaching may emphasize “one right way” of doing things (like counseling modalities or children’s education or marriage roles) and ostracize people who practice differently.

How could a church get to this place of dysfunction? I’d suggest three common traits of spiritually harmful church cultures: 1.) lack of spiritually qualified leaders, 2.) lack of true accountability, 3.) lack of true repentance.

An unsafe church system is often propped up by oppressive leaders who function contrary to their biblical requirements. If a pastor is an arrogant, harsh, self-seeking bully, he’s not qualified (1 Tim. 3:1-7; Titus 2:1-8; 1 Cor. 13:1-8). He may preach compelling biblical content and have a prestigious seminary degree, but his corrupt character disqualifies him from ministry. Choosing leaders based on character, not only credentials, is meant to be a safeguard.

Secondly, oppressive leaders and toxic systems tend to practice accountability in name only. A pastor might have a team of elders around him, but these elders are “yes men” who are too intimidated to confront him. An unfaithful husband might be privately rebuked, but no one verifies with and cares for his wife, and no one follows up. A staff counselor might habitually break confidentially (“for prayer”) but is never corrected and never learns the damage she causes. Accountability looks like a courageous and wise challenge toward repentance: like Nathan to David or Paul to Peter (1 Sam. 12-13; Gal. 2:11-21).[7]

Unrepentant practices within a church community oppose the character of Christ. The key words here are unrepentant and practices. There’s a world of difference between the normal Christian life of repentance (we will sin, we will need to receive forgiveness and begin anew), and persistent, unrepentant patterns of sin (see 1 John).[8]

When its leaders are unqualified, and when accountability and repentance aren’t functionally practiced, how can a church be anything but hurt?

Conclusion

“Unlike physical harm, spiritual injury cannot be quantified or proven. God—who sees it all—must account for it and justify it.”[9] While Christians hurt by their church may feel alienated, they are still part of Christ’s Church.

“[The Church gathers] around the crucified, risen, Jesus…we are looking towards Him, at the center, and we believe that He’s real, and He’s looking back at us…present with us, by the Spirit of God.”[10]

Jesus loves His Bride, and is actively working for her flourishing; those hurt by their church are still infinitely loved.

In Part Two, we’ll look at words of comfort, counsel, and next steps for people hurt by the church.

Question for Reflection

How would you articulate the difference between normal, healthy conflict between Christians and church hurt/spiritual abuse?

[1] Church hurt is a broad topic, occurs on a spectrum, and most sufferers will require a highly individualized counseling approach. This blog is geared toward individuals who have been compelled to leave a church for its unrepentantly sinful and spiritually abusive system. It assumes the sufferers are true Christ-followers who sought counsel, wisdom, and as much reconciliation as possible. This scenario won’t apply to every church hurt victim. Rather, I’m writing for the audience I’ve seen most often in the context of my counseling practice. See the list of recommended resources for more holistic information.

[2] Imagery of spiritual abuse as spiritual self-injury to Christ’s Body taken from Dr. Diane Langberg, In Our Lives First: Meditations for Counselors (Jenkintown, PA: Diane Langberg, PhD & Associates, 2014), 123-125.

[3] Why are we scared to talk about church hurt? Much like a discomfort with the biblical practice of lament, some people may be afraid they’re doubting God or diminishing His glory by acknowledging the failures and faults within Christendom. But in actuality, it’s anti-Christ to keep dark deeds in the dark, especially if they’re committed by people claiming to be children of the light. It’s contra-gospel to hide sin, to refuse to name and repent from deeds done in opposition to Christ’s character and name (see 1 John, Eph. 5:6-14).

[4] See the Gospels, Isaiah and Ezekiel, and the epistles to Timothy and Titus. Diane Langberg’s Redeeming Power is a great companion guide.

[5] True repentance is a massive topic, and a gift of the normal Christian lifestyle (1 John 1:8-9)! But it’s a gift that can be easily counterfeited (“worldly sorrow”) to manipulate people and avoid the consequences or impact of sin. Maudlin tears and promises to do better are not repentance. Repentance is characterized by agreement with God, humility, verifiable change of mind and behavior, and restitution, if possible.

[6] Dr. Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys, Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating healthy Christian cultures, as quoted by Scot McKnight, Kingdom Roots Podcast, “Questions on Spiritual Abuse (Part 1) KR 169”, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kingdom-roots-with-scot-mcknight/id1078739516?i=1000509640543, published February 7, 2021, accessed September 17, 2021.

[7] In cases of sexual or physical abuse, proper authorities must be notified (police reporting, etc.). This is no longer only a spiritual offense but also a criminal violation. Whether a pastor, elder, or other leader, anyone lacking the humility and compassion to cooperate with the legal process demonstrates a lack of reverence for Christ and honor for His image-bearers.

[8] In her helpful dialogue on spotting an unsafe church culture, Jackie Hill Perry asks, “when the [leaders] are confronted with sin, do they repent, or do they manipulate your words to make you think you sinned against them for confronting them about sin?”Jackie Hill Perry, “Let’s Talk: Overcoming Church Hurt” Podcast, with Jasmine Holmes and Melissa Kruger, The Gospel Coalition, https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/podcasts/lets-talk-podcast/lets-talk-overcoming-church-hurt/, published June 26, 2020, accessed August 27, 2021.

[9] Nycole DeLaVara, biblical counselor and Christian life coach, in conversation.

[10] Tim Mackie, “1. A Life of Learning – Why Church Matters” The Bible Project, Tim Mackie Archives, https://youtu.be/i8GnH_Fax7w, accessed September 17, 2021.