Blending a Family of Adopted and Biological Children
Blending a Family of Adopted and Biological Children
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By: Steve Viars
Editor’s Note: In this third article of a five-part Adoption series on the BCC Grace and Truth blog, Steve Viars discusses blending a family of adopted and biological children . In other contributions to the mini-series, Kyle Johnston offers three considerations for the family considering adoption, Andrew Rogers considers how parenting styles affect the way adopted children perceive themselves, Charles Ware considers how a biblical view of race can help an adopted child accept the sovereign will of God in their life, and Russell Moore encourages prospective adoptive families to examine their motivations for and commitment to adoption.
My wife Kris and I have been blessed with three children, two of whom are adopted. That means every person in our immediate family has a different biological father and a different biological mother. To add to our joy, our adopted son, Andrew, also has special needs—including blindness and a number of other cognitive/behavioral challenges.
Yet We Are All in Need of the Gospel
Part of what draws us together is our common need for a Redeemer. The ground is very level at the cross. As Paul explained to the Romans, “for all have sinned and come short of the glory of God” (Rom. 3:23).
We certainly do not observe a difference in the concentration of sin nature that was distributed to mom, dad, and each of our children. Everyone seems to be equally proficient at sinning regardless of bloodlines. Perhaps that is because we have common ancestry after all (Rom. 5:12)?
Recognizing this theological reality has a way of binding the tribe. We understand that we are in this struggle together and the problem runs both deep and wide. The focus has really never been on the differences we have with one another. We have substantial differences with our Holy God and find ourselves in common, and desperate, need.
We Have All Been Adopted
By God’s grace, each of our five family members has placed their faith and trust in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord. Our loving Heavenly Father “chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, to the praise and glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the beloved” (Eph. 1:4-6).
The doctrine of election does not always have a unifying effect on its hearers. But it surely did in us. The fact that God chose us to be adopted in Him and then chose us to be united as a family is a powerful testimony of His love, grace, and eternal purpose—in our case, doubly so. It also informs the issue of our true identity which is not found in biology but theology. It is simply overwhelming to think that God predestined all of us “to adoption as sons.” Just like these truths brought the Jews and Gentiles together in one church, they brought us together in one family.
Our Similarities Far Outweigh Our Differences
While we always told our adopted children that we would help them locate and establish a relationship with their biological parents in their high school years if they so desired, we did not talk a lot about who in our family was adopted and who wasn’t. It really had very little relevance in our day-to-day decisions or conversations.
Being involved in local church ministry helped in that regard. We honestly did not have time to worry about biological origins because we were too busy serving the Lord together as a family. Sets needed to be constructed for the upcoming Living Nativity over at the church-house. Or a person needed to be visited in the hospital, so when appropriate, we all piled in the car and made the call together. Neighbors needed to be loved and the gospel needed to be proclaimed. There simply wasn’t the bandwidth to think about our different biological origins because there was too much spiritual activity occurring where everyone’s hands were needed on the plow.
Focus on Present Realities, Not Past Origins
Now our daughters are grown and married with small children of their own. The issue of how each family member entered the equation is more irrelevant than ever. There are baby gifts to buy. Joys to celebrate. Trials to endure.
In a few weeks, everyone will be together, Lord willing, for the holidays. I love watching our daughters huddled on the window seat in the dining room sharing stories about raising their young children. Or everyone gathering around our adopted son with special needs to hear one of his latest jokes. Or the entire tribe sitting around the fireplace and reading the Christmas story together. Who cares who sired whom? That has nothing to do with our present realities.
Create a Climate of Thanksgiving Because Each Family Member Is a Blessing from the Lord
This morning as I was leaving home, I spent a few minutes talking to our son and praying with him as we started our day. I left telling him what I often do as I leave—that he is a gift from God to our family. I am absolutely convinced that is true and so is everyone else who shares our last name. We sometimes talk about what it would be like if we did not have the blessing of our two adopted children and all they have brought to our lives. It is a sad thought and makes us immediately rejoice in what God has given.
The gospel truly makes family unity possible. Will there be bumps along the road? Of course. But that is not because adoption is part of the picture. It is because sin is part of the picture. “But where sin increased, grace abounded all the more” (Rom. 5:20).
If you or someone you know is contemplating adoption but wondering about the blending issue, everyone in our family would encourage you to go for it. God’s grace is sufficient (2 Cor. 12:9) and it’s highly likely that a wonderful adventure is on the horizon. That certainly has been true for us.
Question for Reflection
How have the doctrines of adoption and election informed your understanding of adoption?