Be a Man-Pleaser, Not a Man-Pleaser

God doesn’t want you to be a man-pleaser. But he wants you to be a man-pleaser. Let me explain.

In the New Testament, the word for “pleasing” another person means exactly what you’d think – doing what another person wants or, more specifically, making them happy by doing their will. Like in Acts 6:5, when the apostles come up with a proposal for feeding the Hellenistic widows, “what they said pleased the whole gathering.”

The highest aim of a Christian, then, is to please God, as in 1 Thessalonians 4:1 and 2 Timothy 2:4. Our desire should always be God’s pleasure.

But what does the Bible say about pleasing other people? There are essentially two answers, which I’ll call bad man-pleasing and good man-pleasing.

You’re likely most familiar with biblical rebukes of bad man-pleasing. Take for instance, Paul’s questions in Galatians 1:10,

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Here, man-pleasing is bad because it is set against pleasing God, which is inarguably primary. Likewise, Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 2:4,

but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts.

We shouldn’t seek to please men, but rather God. Paul even turns man-pleasing into a combo word in Ephesians 6:6 and Colossians 3:22 to make the point extra clear – man-pleasing is bad, at least in this way.

Why is bad man-pleasing bad? If you look in the context of these verses, you find that it is often because of insincerity. For instance, Paul says in Ephesians 6:5-6,

Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ, not by the way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but as bondservants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart…

According to apostle, part of what makes bad man-pleasing bad is that it’s a form of lying. This is like the person who fakes enthusiasm when they’re talking with a boss they hate so that they can manipulate their way into a promotion. That’s bad man-pleasing and it is condemned by God as deceit.

However, it may surprise you to hear that the Bible twice commends good man-pleasing. Both are found in the context of discussions about Christian liberty. Here’s the longer one first, from Romans 15:1-3:

We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, ‘The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.’

The other instance of good man-pleasing is found in 1 Corinthians 10:32-33 in which Paul writes,

Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.

Using the same Greek word, Paul tells the Romans and Corinthians that it is his pattern of life and their duty in life to please each other. Even more than that, Christ himself was a man-pleaser according to Paul and his quotation of Psalm 69. Man-pleasing, then, can be good and holy. Good man-pleasing is for the good of another.

Notice the difference here between good and bad man-pleasing: One is a form of deceitful manipulation by insincere play-acting, and the other is a kind of sincere service for the good of another. One tries to get, while the other tries to give. We could summarize it this way:

Bad Man-Pleasing: Doing what others want to get what I want from them

Good Man-Pleasing: Doing what others want to give what God wants for them

The difference between good and bad man-pleasing is its goal, which in turn shapes the motive behind it. In bad man-pleasing, I am seeking to do my will through another person. In good man-pleasing, I am seeking to do God’s will for another person.

When we please men to do God’s will, we can be sincere in our service to them, genuinely seeking their good, which is God’s will. When we please men to do our will, we are using them, manipulating them, and pretending to seek their good when we are seeking our own. One is self-service, the other is selfless service.

Appreciate, too, that in this definition good man-pleasing is not enslaved to the whims and fancies of the one you’re pleasing but is directed by the will of God. This observation keeps believers from falling into the trap of appeasing at any cost. We are not man-pleasing like Christ when we affirm someone in a lifestyle of sin, no matter how badly they may want it, because that would not serve what God wants for them.

So, what does this look like in the wilds of your life? Here are a couple of examples:

• You let your neighbor borrow your car so that … 1) He will be indebted to you and let you drive his Mercedes one weekend, or so that 2) He will be able to get to work that day, will trust you more, and perhaps be more open to hearing the gospel the next time you talk.
• After a Bible study, you listen to your fellow church-member’s long story about a difficult situation so that … 1) She will be more inclined to watch your kids next week, or so that 2) You can bear her burdens, point her to Christ, and encourage her with Scripture well-suiting her need.
  Or, consider Paul’s actual example: differing on third-tier theological issues. Do you bear with the weaker believer who makes a crusade out of Christian holidays because you’re trying to butter him up, or because you don’t want to put a stumbling block in the way of his conscience (Rom 15:13)?

One area where Christians can often be tempted toward bad man-pleasing is when we use our spiritual gifts to serve the church. In any ministry towards another believer, there can be a subtle motive of insincere pride driving my spiritual labors. Am I preaching this sermon, playing this song, parking that car, or holding that baby so that people will think more highly of me? Or am I genuinely doing it to see them built up in Christ?

Brothers and sisters, we must be man-pleasers if we’re going to do good to the body of Christ. But woe to us if we fall prey to the temptation to be self-seeking man-pleasers who use the body of Christ. May the Lord grant us the grace to please him by pleasing others like Christ.