Are You Easy to Manipulate? Part Two
Are You Easy to Manipulate? Part Two
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By: Andrea Lee
- November 27, 2020
- Abuse, Anxiety, Communication, Conflict, Emotional Abuse, Fear, Fear of Man, Guilt, Hope, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships
In Part One, we began looking at 1 Timothy 1:5 to frame our goals for interpersonal interaction as we address manipulation. We covered one particular way we become more susceptible to manipulation: fear of man (craving the approval and acceptance of the manipulator so much that we obey them instead of God). Even though manipulation may be a pattern in your most significant relationships, there is hope. We will examine two more heart themes that make you more susceptible to manipulation so you will be better equipped to respond with clarity and kindness for God’s glory.
A Good Conscience
The Apostle Paul told his young friend, “The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” (1 Tim. 1:5). Our goal as followers of Christ includes loving others from a good conscience. But what does a “good conscience” have to do with manipulation?
First, let’s think about what a good conscience is. A good conscience is biblically trained to report right and wrong according to God’s will. A good conscience is attuned to the holiness of God. No one’s conscience is infallible, but as we renew our mind through God’s Word, our consciences will become more aligned with God’s character.❲1❳
A bad conscience can be expressed in a variety of ways, but in the context of manipulation, it means that you feel guilty for all kinds of things that are not actually sin. You feel guilty for not perfectly knowing and honoring the preferences of the manipulator. You constantly second-guess yourself and your motives when the manipulator questions the purity or sincerity of your behavior. The manipulator wants you to feel responsible for their sins so they can use fear and guilt to control you.❲2❳
Having an untrained or weak conscience (the opposite of a “good conscience”) makes you easy to manipulate because you get confused about your biblical responsibility. Your internal warning system sends alerts when there is no sin. This happens when the manipulator sways you to their agenda and perspective to such an extent that you feel guilty when you violate the manipulator’s desires or preferences, but not God’s commands. You don’t clearly know how to honor the Lord, and the manipulator is so persuasive or demanding that you go along.
In order to bring glory to God by loving others from a good conscience, you must grow in knowing your biblical responsibility: what faith and obedience look like in specific situations. And, you must grow in knowing your manipulator’s biblical responsibility.
Here’s what I mean. The manipulator seeks to control you and the situation by targeting your emotions, especially by inciting guilt. The manipulator wants you to do what they say; they aren’t helping you consider what God wants you to do. You must think carefully about how to respond (Prov. 15:28). You can use these questions:
- Is this an issue of sin, wisdom, conscience, or preference?❲3❳
- What biblical responsibility is this person avoiding?
- What biblical truth is this person ignoring or forgetting?
- What is this person wanting more than he/she wants to glorify God?
A Sincere Faith
Finally, God wants our love for others to come from a sincere faith. You are more susceptible to manipulation if you don’t have a full-orbed conviction of God’s redemption, sovereignty, power, and presence. A sincere faith begins by wholeheartedly embracing that “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” (1 Tim. 1:15). The Apostle Paul is urging his readers to entrust themselves to the Living God who cannot be thwarted in any of His purposes (Job 42:2). Someone with true faith trusts Jesus Christ as Savior and genuinely commits himself to God’s ways and plans. This person’s actions are growingly motivated by faith, not fear.
How does a sincere faith help you avoid being manipulated? God will use your growing relationship with Him to focus your trust and attention on His care in such a way that the threats of the manipulator don’t knock you off the path of obedience and faith. Manipulators are savvy and know your worries—our fears and idols are more obvious than we realize. A manipulator will be listening for anything you highly value, so they can use that as leverage to gain or maintain control. As your trust in the Lord grows, you will become less fearful of what the manipulator might do because you know that God has complete power, and He will fulfill His Word to His people. He will cause all things to work together for good to those who love Him (Rom. 8:28). As we become less fearful, the manipulator has fewer handles to use to maneuver us. When glorifying God is our biggest desire, nothing the manipulator can threaten will jeopardize that.
No one wants to be manipulated. And although we cannot prevent someone from trying to control us in underhanded ways, we can examine our hearts and grow in wisdom to combat it. First Timothy 1:15 gives us a roadmap. We can seek greater purity of heart, a more biblically informed and trained conscience, and a fearless faith that trusts our gracious Creator.
Question for Reflection
How can you incorporate more of God’s Word into your day so that God’s voice and perspective are louder than anyone else’s?
❲1❳ See Andrew Naselli’s excellent book, Conscience: What It Is, How to Train It, and Loving Those Who Differ for more help.
❲2❳ Darby Strickland, Is It Abuse? A Biblical Guide to Identifying Domestic Abuse and Helping Victims (Philipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2020), 40.
❲3❳ Learning to distinguish issues of sin, wisdom, conscience, and preferences will help to discern how to respond. See article here.