An open letter to elder’s wives
“Use your powers for good and not for evil.” These were the last words from my coach’s mouth as the timeout was over and we took the court. Our coach knew that we had in us the ability to use our athleticism, our minds, and our training to win. He also knew that we could forget the fundamentals, fail to communicate, and assure that we would lose in the end.
Christians have the same decisions to make when it comes to their involvement in the local church. We can use our minds, abilities, and voices to build up the body or to tear it down. This is especially true for elder’s wives. You don’t have a formal office, but you have an extraordinary opportunity to use your powers for good and not for evil in the local church.
In my ministry positions of the past and present, I have been the recipient of grace in that elder’s wives have been among the greatest blessings of the work that we do. However, if the unity of a church’s elder board is one of the signs of health in a church, the fruitful ministry of the wives of these men is crucial. While all Christians have valuable roles serving/teaching/discipling in the church, here are five unique ways elder’s wives can help their church pursue unity:
- When church conflict arises, please help us to be like Christ instead of helping us “win.”
Sometimes we come home and gossip about people in our church. Sometimes we lack patience and love. You’ve probably seen this once or twice. Here’s what we know: you love us, you are for us, and you don’t like to see us criticized or slandered. In times of conflict, our goal should not be to win, but to “put on Christ.” Please help us with this. We usually have plenty of sermons for you. Perhaps you could preach Colossians 3:12-17
to us.
- When you prefer something to be different in the church, be careful about how much you push us.
Every member of the body is valuable. You are no different. You often have a front seat into ministry decisions that we make. You know our preferences about music, the color of the paint in the nursery, and the offering bags we use (or offering plates if you prefer). As you know, sometimes people who push their preferences onto others can create disunity in the church. Elder’s wives are not above this temptation. It’s risky for you to push your husband to make a change in a particular ministry where he is not the only one with the responsibility of oversight. Men want to please their wives, and there is nothing wrong with that. However, when a man feels like he needs to push the other men on the elder board because his wife is pushing him, it can create disharmony and suspicion among the pastors. To be clear, I believe this is much about the character of the elder than it is about the character of the wife, but for the sake of this post, I’m writing to the wives.
- While you are careful not to push us to enact your preferences, please give us your wisdom.
Wisdom is not a virtue that God only gives to elders, nor is it a virtue that God only gives to men. Our church is not unlike other churches; it is full of wise men and women. It is likely that the wife of an elder is one of these women of wisdom. Your perspective on how to help people can often serve to assist your husband. We are imperfect men who are to heed the Proverbs’ calls to pursue wisdom ( Prov 4:7
). It would be unwise for us to overlook one of the greatest sources of wisdom that we know – our wives. As you serve us in this way, please be sure that your words are rooted in God’s Word.
- Consider your contribution to the unity of the elder board as one of your greatest ministries.
As the leadership goes, so goes the church. An elder board is greatly dependent on the ministry of the Holy Spirit and the prayers of the saints to maintain unity, love, and patience. A wife who understands her husband’s temptations and frustrations will tremendously benefit her local church by praying to the Lord for the unity of his relationship to the other men on the elder board. Elders and elder’s wives should demonstrate a strong desire to maintain airtight oneness on the elder board. From conversations between an elder’s wife and another lady in the lobby of the church, to an elder and another man in the car headed to an athletic event, any criticism of another elder (let alone Christian) should be immediately ended. For people to know that they are not able to criticize an elder in your presence, is an under-appreciated gift to any local church. Plus, it has the added benefit of being a normal Christian response to criticism of another ( Gal 5:14-15
; Phil 2:14
; James 4:11-12
, 5:9
)
- Beware of being a messenger or advocate.
Many well-meaning people have great ideas for ways the local church can serve people better. Sometimes these ideas are gold. Sometimes they are not. An elder is responsible for seeing the whole chessboard. Often people in the church with ideas for the church are thinking about the moves that affect them or people near them. Ladies, people may often lobby you to lobby your husband to adopt their agenda. To be kind and encouraging, you are sometimes tempted to offer the following type of response, “That sounds like a great idea. I’ll talk to him about it.” This can be harmful. First, it might not be a great idea. Second, it’s good for an elder to be approachable – this messenger tactic doesn’t help. Third, it borders on manipulation. The church shouldn’t be a place of lobbying, but of truth-telling. Fourth, people should be helped to take responsibility for their actions and concerns. Perhaps this simple and clear statement would be helpful, “I’d encourage you to bring that up to the elders.” Be ready for pushback. Be kind, gentle, and stand your ground for the health of the church.
I have personally been the beneficiary of Spirit-led, local church strengthening, and supportive elder’s wives. My prayer is that many elder boards would be blessed by the ministries of their wives who lift them up in prayer and prize their unity.