A letter to young Christian men about relationships

Some advice for building a successful and joyful marriage with a young Christian woman

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Dear young Christian men,

It’s tough out there. I know this because I teach at a Christian university and I talk to a lot of young guys. I also talk to a lot of less-young guys who are going through divorces or separations, which guts me every time and causes me to grieve. First, a caveat: I’m not writing this because I consider myself any sort of authority on marriage or relationships. In fact, the road to pain is littered by scoundrels claiming to have the “answers” about marriage and family (looking at you Billy Gothard).

I’m writing as a friend who has been married for almost 30 years, and who has spent many of those 30 years being equal parts thankful for my wife and being disabused of my arrogance vis-à-vis relationships. I wasn’t an outwardly arrogant person when I got married at 20—in fact, I probably lazily scanned as “humble” or “nice.” But I thought I had the “love” thing figured out. I was convinced that I did. I thought love would “conquer all” or something equally pop-songish because my laughable frontal lobe was still a developing piece of mush that had probably taken a few too many direct hits in my Bike AIR football helmet (if you know, you know).

I made a lot of mistakes. I sinned a lot, which I grieve. And, by God’s kind grace, I have had a lot of joy. And apart from Christ’s chastening work leading to repentance and faith, marrying Kristin has led to every good thing I’ve experienced in my life—including becoming a father to two boys I would die for, becoming a writer (she believed in me when nobody did), becoming a professor (zero people had that on their DraftKings), becoming someone who traveled to places other than cornfield-adjacent Indiana towns, and becoming a halfway decent churchman who loves his local body.

And I was fortunate to sneak in my dating and marriage of KK before I Kissed Dating Goodbye messed up a whole generation of parents and kids by creating a whole new batch of extra-biblical law. I’m grateful for that. But here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Forever is a long time.
   When you agree to marry somebody, you’re probably young and hormonal and full of ideas and ideals and big dreams and hopes for what a “perfect” life will look like. It won’t be perfect, so don’t set those kinds of expectations for yourself, or for her. Look to Christ. Read your Bible with her and pray with her. Make decisions together.

2. Talk to your lady and enjoy it!
   There’s this misnomer floating around in our particular theological circles that places a great deal of emphasis on men providing (this is good) and then an even greater deal of emphasis on getting married really young (this might be good) and starting to make a bunch of people as quickly as possible (not sure about this one, because parenting is hard and you should probably be done being a kid yourself before you undertake it). Fellas, get good at talking to your girl, and listening to her, and enjoying it! This is perhaps the most slept-on fun part of marriage. Everyone knows that sex is fun … but talking is really fun too, and leads to great sex. Talk about the book she’s reading, the show you’re watching together, the kids you’re trying to raise, and the stuff she’s interested in. Don’t let her drown in an ocean of dirty diapers and unwashed dishes and un-had conversations. She wants to connect with you, and she wants to have more than a paycheck and a roommate who wants to have sex.

3. Don’t wait for “perfect.”
   Who do you think you are? Tom Brady? You’re probably not that great looking, not that interesting, and even if your parents are rich, you’re probably kind of boring and entitled because you’ve never had to do without. So don’t waste your 20s waiting around for some smokeshow model who has also read The Doctrines of Grace. She’s buying the upside, and so are you. The fact that you’re imperfect, and so is she, will drive you to look to your Redeemer and not idolize each other, which is a thing I learned the hard way.

Find a show you like to watch together. Find a restaurant you like to frequent together. (It’s not gluttony, and it’s not “bad stewardship” to spend a little money on this.)

4. “Leading” doesn’t mean being a dictator.
   There’s also lots of chatter around “leading a family” as a metric for young men. In fact, “he’s not quite ready to lead” has usurped “I’m breaking up with you to date Jesus” as this generation’s de rigueur breakup copy. Here’s the thing: Nobody is ready to lead a family at 20, and if you think you are, you’re probably pleasantly delusional. Fellas, lead by knowing the people under your roof really well, by listening to them, by knowing your Bible, and by praying and asking for wisdom. Leading doesn’t mean dictating terms, in fact it is more bound up in being the kind of guy that people actually want to follow because you have a modicum of humility. Having all the answers (you don’t) is actually kind of repellent.

5. Earn their respect, every day.
   Bite down hard and go to the job you hate. Cut the grass when you don’t feel like it. Take out the trash for your wife before she asks. Agree to have some of her friends over even when you don’t want to, because she’s spent her whole day with your toddlers. Have the tough conversation with your kids even when you’re exhausted.

6. Maybe wait a minute to have kids.
   It doesn’t make you less spiritual to not create a person 10.5 months into your marriage while still being a child yourself. I know this is a controversial take, and one that I’ve taken heat for in the past. But just think about it. Maybe get to know each other as adults, a little. And old-heads like me need to stop asking stupid questions like “when are you going to have kids?” Your reproductive life is your business. And you can’t “game” the sanctification journey by just making a bunch of people.

7. Cultivate some joy together.
   Find a show you like to watch together. Find a restaurant you like to frequent together. (It’s not gluttony, and it’s not “bad stewardship” to spend a little money on this.) Bring her along on your adventures and encourage her to have some of her own. This whole deal is supposed to be fun sometimes.

8. Repenting is manly.
   The road to pain is also littered with dudes who are too proud to choke out the words “I’m sorry.” Read 1 John 1:9 and believe it. Be the guy who apologizes first.

9. Forgiving is manly.
   The “manhood” cottage industry is such a garbage heap of rocked-up weirdos at conferences calling you a wimp because you don’t juggle chainsaws or drink shards of glass or do cycles of Anadrol-50 or because you’ve never shot anybody. It’s manly to say, “I forgive you, because Christ forgave me,” and mean it because forgiveness is actually scarier than juggling chainsaws.

10. You actually do marry the family.
    Part of my 20-year-old hubris was thinking that I was just marrying an awesome girl. But you do actually spend an inordinate amount of time with her parents and brothers and cousins and various other hangers-on. This doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker, but consider it.

11. Don’t weaponize your silence.
    Just because you’re not winging plates at each other’s heads and yelling doesn’t mean there’s health in your home. Your distance speaks volumes. Stay in it.

This is by no means definitive, but it is the start of some stuff I’ve learned—mostly the hard way. I want your marriages to succeed and be joyful partnerships where both parties are fed and nourished.

Your imperfect friend,

Kluck

These daily articles have become part of my steady diet. —Barbara